Checking In
Ever since my wife and I got married, we’ve had a set of check-in questions.
When have you felt closest to me?
When have you felt farthest from me?
What’s something you’re grateful for?
We’ve had a myriad of answers to those questions over the last two and a half years. “I felt closest today when we cuddled on the couch.” “I felt farthest when I was stressed out at work and you weren’t there.” “I’m grateful for you taking out the trash today when that’s normally my responsibility.”
One thing that surprised me was that we could still feel distant from each other even when we were in the same room.
My wife and I have different ways of relaxing. I play video games, and she watches TV. We have our living room configurated so that we can still see and engage with each other while doing our separate activities. At times, we still feel close and connected. Other times, however, there’s an invisible wall. Sometimes, this happens even when we are doing the same activity. For example, my wife could be enjoying dinner with me, but I feel distant in that moment because I’m ashamed of not cooking something correctly.
That’s why I’m glad we have these check-in questions. They guide us to the level of connection we want to have. What are we doing right? Which areas can we improve? If you’re reading this, feel free to use these questions with your friends, family, and significant other, too. There’s a new stage of intimacy to unlock, even with questions as simple as these.
I was reflecting on our check-in questions the other day, especially the part where we could be in the same room and still feel distant from each other. I realized that this mirrored our relationship with God. We can feel like He’s far away from us because we’re going through a rough season or we just made a big mistake. However, He’s never far from us. He’s in the same room as us, but that doesn’t change the proximity our hearts feel.
As it is with the spouse, so it is in God’s house. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s mutual between both parties. God wants to be close to us, but our shame and regret are building up a wall. Is there a way to break that barrier down?
Yes, there is. It comes with understanding the difference between Condemnation and Conviction.
Though both stem from realizing you’ve done something wrong, they drive you to make different choices.
According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, to be condemned is to be declared reprehensible, wrong, or evil. It’s used when you’re being judged and pronounced guilty. Condemnation is associated with punishment for wrongdoing. When you feel condemned, the shame drives you away from the person you wronged. You fear the punishment, so you pull back, yet you’re punishing yourself in that very moment.
When we feel condemned by God, we pull away. We know we did something wrong, and because we hate that feeling of judgement, we put as much distance between ourselves and God as possible.
However, look at what it says in Romans 8:1-2.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of Life set me free from the law of sin and death.
The Old Testament law had clear judgments and consequences for wrongdoing. If we broke the smallest part of that law, we were condemned. That’s why Paul calls it the “law of sin and death” in this passage. However, Jesus’s death and resurrection have redeemed us from that condemnation. We no longer have to feel condemned because regardless of what we do, Jesus has made us righteous in God’s sight.
Yet, this doesn’t erase the feeling of guilt we feel when we mess up, does it? How can we reconcile this?
Well, that’s where conviction comes in. Once again referring to Merriam-Webster, to convict someone is to find or prove them to be guilty, to convince of error or sinfulness. This sounds very similar to condemnation, doesn’t it? Although they are synonyms of each other, there is a key word missing from conviction’s definition: punishment. There is no sentence involved in conviction. It is simply the acknowledgement that someone did something wrong.
While condemnation drives us away, conviction pulls us towards. If you made a joke about a friend that struck a little too close to home, condemnation, the fear of punishment, will compel you to put some distance between you two. Biblical conviction, however, will spur you to approach them and make things right. When we sin, condemnation pulls us away from God, but conviction brings us to Him in order to reconcile with Him.
I’ve made poor choices that I know hurt my wife. Condemnation would rear its ugly head to try and pull me away from her, to focus on the fear of punishment and retribution. However, because of my relationship with her, conviction to reconcile with her has become stronger, and we are closer now then when condemnation reigned.
As it is with the spouse, so it is in God’s house. We will make choices that we know will break God’s heart. Condemnation will drive us away because we get this skewed idea that God’s an angry deity waiting to smite us. In truth, He is a God of love and restoration, and conviction will pull us back to Him.
The next time you do something you know God doesn’t approve of, which will you give control to: Condemnation or Conviction?