Humble Pie

I am a humble person.

With that one sentence, it already feels like I’ve contradicted myself. If you’re truly humble, you shouldn’t be the one to bring it up. Calling attention to it would be counterintuitive. If you think you’re humble, then you’re not actually humble. People should recognize your humility without you realizing you have it…right?

Many people misconstrue the concept of Humility. They view it as elevating others while lowering yourself. I, too, was under that notion for years. Unfortunately, I took it to some rather extreme lengths.

I think my humility-confusion began sometime during late elementary and early middle school. My brother and I were fixated on a series called Dinotopia, where humans and dinosaurs lived together on a mysterious island. We would check our local Barnes & Noble for new installments every chance we got. My favorite book in the series was Chomper. The society in that fictional world had a list of moral tenants, and the one that Chomper focused on the most was “Others first, self last.” Inspired by the book, I tried to incorporate this mindset into everyday life.

On the surface, this doesn’t seem so bad. However, this way of thinking evolved during high school. For some reason, I got it in my head that a good way to encourage others was to point out how they were better than I was in certain areas. I would elevate them by putting myself down.

“You didn’t get a good time on the mile run? That’s okay. You still got a better time than I did.”

“You didn’t get the part you wanted in the school play? Don’t worry. You still got a major role. I’m just an extra.”

I genuinely thought that this was okay, that I was being humble and uplifting. However, I received a wakeup call at the end of senior year. My AP English class was having a party, half to celebrate the school year and half as a farewell for one of our exchange students. Someone suggested that we play an impressions game. One of us would act like a classmate, and everyone else would try to guess who they were. After a couple of rounds, one of the girls asked a friend to pretend like they got a bad grade.

“Oh, no…I didn’t get a good score on this test…”

“Well, at least you didn’t do as bad as me!”

The entire room erupted with a nearly-simultaneous “Tim!!!” Although we had all been laughing about the previous impressions, I shut down at this one. My gut twisted in discomfort. I realized that, out of all my qualities, good qualities I knew I had, this was what people remembered me by. I didn’t sound humble. I sounded…pathetic.

This self-degradation had a deeper element to it. I never wanted to be prideful. I strove to be humble. But all of this created a focus on fear rather than humility. I was scared to speak well of myself. I felt uncomfortable when people congratulated me. Even now, my knee-jerk reaction to praise is deflection. A simple “thank you” struggles to leave my throat because I feel I don’t deserve it, scared that accepting even the smallest commendation would allow pride to sneak in.

If this is not actual Humility , then what is?

Humility is seeing yourself the way God sees you. Even in a nonreligious sense, Humility is understanding and accepting yourself as you are. When you can take an honest look at yourself and embrace every part, the good, the bad, and the in between, then you are truly humble.

When my students receive a consequence for poor choices, I follow up with them by asking what they should do differently. They usually begin with “Don’t do this” or “Don’t do that,” but whenever they do, I stop them. “I’m asking you what to do, not what not to do.” I encourage them to use positive language instead of not or don’t. As human beings, both young an old, our brains tend to rebel whenever we hear the words “no” or “don’t.” If I told you, “Do not think about elephants,” the first thing you’re going to do is think about elephants. It’s like our minds automatically delete the “not” in the instructions. This informs my strategy with my students. Instead of “Don’t talk in class,” try “Wait until recess to chat.” Instead of “I shouldn’t call people names,” try “I should be kind to others.”

We are told to be humble. Telling ourselves “Don’t be prideful” puts the focus on the wrong thing and the wrong strategy. We’ve established that putting ourselves down is not the way to go. We must do things differently. If what we need is to have an honest view of ourselves, how can we do that in a positive, practical sense?

Dr. Dallas Willard, an American philosopher that focused on spiritual formation, had three major points when it comes to Humility. His 3 Ps to avoid were Pretending, Presuming, and Pushing. To keep in line with our “use positive language” strategy, I have reworded them slightly (don’t worry; the spirit of his words remains intact).

1. Be Genuine

It’s easy to say “be yourself,” but difficult to put into practice. We tend to base our worth on how other people view us. If we think we are more than what we are, we’re prideful. If we think too little of ourselves, that isn’t humility; it’s dishonest.

This is where the honest look at ourselves comes into play. We know our capabilities, our strengths and our weaknesse. We know who we are in God’s sight: His beloved children, made in His image and crafted with thought and care. There is no need to exaggerate or downplay ourselves. What you see is what you get. Embrace yourself for who you are, and the stress of keeping up appearances melts away.

2. Accept the Unknown

It is both fortunate and unfortunate that we are not mind-readers; fortunate because my ADHD brain’s multitude of sporadic thoughts would give somebody whiplash, and unfortunate because we cannot tell how other people truly feel about us. When faced with people’s actions, we assume we know their reasons and react accordingly.

The truth is we don’t know the underlying motives. We can’t see people at every moment, nor can we divine the experiences that shape their behavior. A coworker may lash out at you, but is it because he hates you as a person, or is he stressed from dealing with a rebellious teen at home? The reasons are unknown, and that’s okay. Not everyone is out to get you. Instead of presuming the reasons and enacting judgement, practice humility by extending grace and mercy.

3. Let Others Move before You

While this sounds close to Dinotopia’s “Others first, self last,” it’s a little more specific in how to execute it. There will be times when we need someone to do something for us. Prideful people, focused on their own needs, tend to use forceful tactics, such as a raised voice or demeaning comments. We often see this in managers and politicians, but it could appear in any sort of authority figure. To look at my own reflection, it can also arise in teachers, parents, and spouses.

It is okay to lead others, but not to force them. We like to have some agency in our own decision-making. Humility extends that power to others. This will require some extra grace when others do not act exactly as you want them to. Instead of pushing them where we want them to go, be humble and let them move on their own.

Humility is not self-degradation. It is honesty and selflessness, both of which you can see in yourself and share with others. If you can accept yourself for who you are, leave your assumptions of others by the wayside, and allow people to live without forcing your will on them, then you will be truly humble.